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08 July 2009 @ 03:48 pm
cause i do think at times  
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I do think, you know.

I think about the things that eventually make people sad. I think about those who are alone, about those who are messed up real bad. I think about those whose hearts are broken, whose life is so terrible that no words could ever comfort them. I think about losing people to death, to mistakes and about their lives before it all. I think about all of these and it gets me sad.

It gets me sad because I can’t help but wonder about those who don’t make it out alive and for those that do, I’m not sure whether to pity them or to award them because it baffles me how one can live and breathe despite having lost the biggest impact of their life. It intrigues me that after months, after years, memories are lost and stained and everyone changes and no one remembers the lessons anymore.

I wonder then about the children that I see. I wonder about the kind of person they’ll grow up to be and I’ll wonder just how much of influence their loves once would have been. I’ll end up thinking that one day, some of these children are going to end up being doctors and lawyers and politicians and actresses and singers and just how nothing will be ever be enough for them.

I think about the children who’ll end up in jail, who’ll end up being looked down, outcasted even and how only  some will count their choices to be a blessing while the rest a curse. I wonder about those who live for others. Whose sole purpose would be to please the people that they love. I wonder if they’ll get up one morning and realise that they’ve never really lived. I wonder how they’d feel and about the changes that will inevitably come. I wonder if they’d remain to their sole purpose or if they’d crudely ignore the world. I wonder if they’d be remembered for all their sacrifices, for all the kind words and for all the instances where only they stood by; I pray to God that they are remembered.

And finally I’ll ask someone desperately to tell me the rules of fate because I cannot understand any of this. I’ll beg them to tell me that fate is in our hands and not someone else’s. I’ll plead with them to help me see that this world isn’t so bad, that being alive is not the worst thing yet.

I’ll eventually stop thinking because I would have started crying and depression by then would have been a resident. I’ll lose my hope and faith and I’ll be upset and cold and I’ll blame someone and I’ll string some words together because they’d make sense but I won’t be okay.

I’ll close my eyes and I’ll listen to a song and I’ll talk to someone but everything changes and my mind is spinning and running away from fear. I’ll grasp the concept of life and I’ll just sit there. Wrist slashed and a prayer to my lips, I’ll ask to be forgiven even though no one will understand, even though no one will try.